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Morgan Pressel Cinderellas From John Kennedy Into Tiger Woods
As Yogi Berra said, “It ain’t over until it’s over.” At the moment it looks as if earthlings are about to follow the citizens to extinction in nuclear world war 3 and its consequences of nuclear winter and then ultraviolet summer. However, it’s not over until it’s over. Ask Morgan Pressel.
18-year-old blonde Morgan Pressel stood on the 18th green yesterday in the first major golf tournament of the year for Dinah Shore Kraft Nabisco women at 2 under par. At the time, the Norwegian golfer, Suzann Pettersen, was on the 15th hole with a four shot lead over Morgan Pressel with four holes to go. It was at this moment that Morgan Pressel’s late mother, Kathy Krickstein, took the golden pixie dust from her pouch and sprinkled it along the Mission Hills Golf Course in Rancho Mirage California.
Morgan Pressel said, “My mother is always with me and I know she is proud of me.” Two years ago Morgan’s mother, aged 42, lost her battle with breast cancer and Morgan is being raised by her pathologist Herb Krickstein and her bubie Evelyn Krickstein who held Morgan’s hand as they took the celebratory jump into the lake on 18 after Morgan became the youngest. all time major champion in women’s golf. He asked, “How was the jump into the pool?” Morgan said, “Wet and cold but I’d like to do it again.”
For those people who don’t believe in curses go read about the Kennedy family and the Anna Nicole Smith family. The only way for Dannielynn Smith to hurt Caroline Kennedy now would be if she choked on a piece of gefilte fish at the Passover Seder tonight like John Kennedy’s sister did.
Two years ago, 16-year-old Morgan Pressel was standing in the middle of the 18th fairway at the US Open with Birdie Kim in the lead. Birdie was 10 miles from the hole in the right green side bunker when Birdie blew Morgan Pressel’s brains out with a magic bullet bunker shot into the bottom of the cup taking victory from Morgan who looked like she had it in the bag. The strange thing is how often this happens in golf. Greg Norman was shot in the head in the Masters play-off when Larry Mize hit an impossible tee shot, at the PGA when Paul Azinger holed an impossible bunker shot on 18 and in Hawaii when Robert Gamez rubbed salt into the holes at Greg’s bullet ridden. stays on 18 from 175 yards.
Equally amazing in golf is how often players fall down the stretch. Next Sunday April 8, 2007 is Easter Master’s Sunday. They say the Masters doesn’t start until the back nine on Sunday. Golf Messiah Tiger Woods says his Buddhist faith has helped him forget himself down the stretch and Zen into the zone. Tiger Woods is known for holding on while those around him crack under indescribable pressure. Johnny Miller always talks about how in his day Lee Trevino or Arnold Palmer or Tom Watson would charge like Secretariat on Sunday with a 64 and how today Tiger Woods’ playing partner’s average score in the final group is 79. And did Tiger Woods sell his soul to Satan? Does Buddhism recognize Satan? If not, he’s the red guy behind the ropes with the horns and the pointed tail that smells like sulphur.
The Jewish name for demons is the “dybbuk”. Morgan Pressel says her Jewish faith is very important to her. Jews wear red turbans, red ribbons to ward off evil spirits. Morgan Pressel is the first Jewish Major champion unless you count Cory Pavin, a born again Christian. This week Pope Benedict XVI said that Hell and Demons exist. The Pontiff will use Holy Water and smoke and about 217 other rituals this week to cleanse the Vatican of evil spirits, not to mention his Callaway golf hat. The most spectacular display of supernatural beings at Winged Foot occurred at the age of 18 when the late Davis Love Jr. the 18th green celebrating his son’s first Major PGA title with a magic rainbow.
The Zapruder film shows Satan himself firing the magic bullet from the grassy knoll into John Kennedy’s head. The question is, “Do legendary falls happen because the winner sold his soul to Satan or because the winner was blessed by God and the archangels Michael, Gabriel, Uriel and Raphael or because someone evil cursed the leader or because the leader suffers from one or the other. nervous breakdown or mental impairment?” Yesterday at the Dinah Shore Suzann Pettersen closed bogey, double bogey, bogey and then pared the par 5 18th which birdied Morgan Pressel. Suzann Pettersen was the first ever golfer from Oslo Norway which is just south of Hell Norway. Norway’s Hell is just east of Greenland and it melted during Dinah Beach.
Tiger Woods won the British Open and the most recent PGA and is going this week for his third major championship in a row and his second Tiger Slam. Tiger Woods won 3 straight American amateurs. At the age of 16, Morgan Pressel won the US women’s amateur. At the age of 12 Morgan Pressel was the youngest person ever to qualify for the US Women’s Open. It didn’t come out of nowhere. It’s just that everyone has been focusing on Michelle Wie for her incredible length off the tee. Unfortunately Michelle can’t chip or putt and lost Dave Pelz’s phone number.
Carnoustie Scotland is just west of Oslo Norway. In 1999 at the British Open in Carnoustie, Scotland Jean Van de Velde came to the 18th hole needing only a double bogey to win the Claret Jug and immortality. Curtis Strange was announcing in the booth tearing his hair out over Jean Van de Velde’s decisions. Jean Van de Velde could have won the British Open playing 18 with his 7 iron. On 18 Jean Van de Velde hit an OK drive into the rough and the smart play was to use a wedge to lay in front of the Barry Burn, the pit guarding 18. From there he could have chipped on and on aged three putts for 6 and a win. Instead Jean Van de Velde pulled his 2 iron out of the bag. If Tiger Woods had done that his Kiwi caddy Stevie Williams would have tackled Tiger Woods to the dirt, hit him around, given him his wedge and aimed him left. God helps those who help themselves. You don’t give methadone to babies in the womb. It leads to poor decision making later in life, no matter how much money they have.
Jean Van de Velde pulls his 2 iron on 18 to carry the water from the rough. His ball flies to the right, hits the stand, luckily it bounces off the rocks in the Barry Burn river and reaches the finish short of the burn. He had to pitch out of the tall grass on the green, three putt and walk away with the trophy. Van de Velde then proceeds to chip his pitch into the river in front of the green. Now he rolls his slacks into shorts, takes off his shoes and socks and enters the burn. He then decides to take a drop and lie 4 can keep going up and down for a win. Somehow he fluffed his chip shot into the trap. Miraculously Van de Velde blasted to within 6 feet and holed the putt for triple bogey to move into the second chance at the British Open.
The Scottish fans were ecstatic because the beneficiaries of this golfing embolism were American Justin Leonard and Scotsman Paul Lawrie. Paul Lawrie then went on to win the 3-man play-off for the British Open, drawing on the luck of the Irish and the four-leaf clover in his bag. Yesterday, the beneficiary of Suzann Pettersen’s last 4-hole fall and foray into the right woods was Morgan Pressel, the little lady whose brains were blown out by Birdie Kim two years earlier at the US Open. They say luck is equal in golf but if that were true then Greg Norman would have won at least one green jacket. Greg Norman also dropped the Sunday Masters 6 shot lead to Nick Faldo. As Yogi Berra says, “It’s not over until it’s over” and, “If the world was perfect it wouldn’t be.”
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