What Time Is The World Cup Soccer Match Today 10 Reasons Why I Hate Football

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10 Reasons Why I Hate Football

Fellow Americans, before you sign my death warrant, know that I’m talking about American Soccer, also known as Football in the rest of the world. So relax – it’s ok – I’m just poking fun at Soccer!

I’ve been watching Euro 2008 on TV, although I can’t tell which games have already been played (tape lag anyone?). Oh well – I don’t know any of the teams, players, or coaches, so ignorance is bliss.

After watching a few key games (as the announcers tell me) and ingesting a few slices of pizza and cheap American beer, I have come to the following conclusion: Soccer Stinks.

I actually played Football for years. The sport is fun during your childhood, but somehow the pleasant, family atmosphere turns into a boring and violent theater full of male drama queens. Over the years I have watched Olympic Soccer, World Cups, and some German League games (we had great cable channels when I was young).

Let me repeat: Soccer Stinks. While watching some great football matches I really wanted to kill myself. So without further ado, I humbly present 10 Reasons Why I Hate Football:

1. Drunken Fans

In American Football stadiums, we close the beer and drink stands before the end of the game. When do European and Latin American stadiums turn off the juice? My money is NEVER on.

If I wanted to see drunken, violent Europeans in action, I’d put on my Dodgers cap, grab a pink Polo short and some Nike sneakers, and visit a pub in England. Or maybe attend a Prodigy concert in Berlin.

American sports fans are making the wave. We tailgate and cook burgers. We bring our families and play catch with our children. We also eat ice cream and leave games early to beat the traffic.

World Soccer fans kick the crap out of each other. Period. I can’t say I blame them. After ninety minutes of back-and-forth and beer in the hot sun, I’d probably beat the hell out of my best friend. Football fans are ticking time bombs waiting to explode.

And by the way, when European fans paint their faces and then riot, I’m reminded of the brutal war scenes in Braveheart. Maybe World Soccer teams need cute mascots to lower the testosterone. Miami Dolphins anyone?

2. Boredom

If you can finish your taxes and not miss the action, you’re watching a boring sporting event. Football has the lowest scoring totals of any sport in world history. Kick. Run. Fall. Repeat.

I cannot deny the physical skill of top class Football players. However, when that skill is spread over a few touches over ninety minutes, one word comes to mind: BORING. Soccer clinics are more interesting than actual games.

3. Penalty Kicks

Let me get this straight – you run around for ninety minutes and then if the score is tied when the whistle blows, you don’t play overtime? Are you kidding? Penalties are unfair and unusual. A team game is reduced to individual effort in a completely different format. Must be the beer. Fans will start passing out if an overtime period is allowed.

4. The Wives (or lack thereof)

Have you ever noticed the lack of women present? Football is men at its best. How can you have a family atmosphere when girls don’t come to the games? I think men are designed that way. Maybe a football game is one great men’s bonding seminar. Complete with beer, riots, and boredom.

5. The success of the Third World

Many third world countries are quite good at football. For those economists, think low barriers to entry. Young people just need a ball (or a rough approximation of it), a dusty or grassy plain, and a few friends. Perhaps that is why football permeates the lives of many third worlders. Unlike material wealth, football skills are easily attainable and careers as Football players are within reach of the best talent, regardless of income.

Conversely, Americans like sports that require high-tech training, nutritionists, and expensive equipment. Think American Football, Baseball, or Hockey. We excel in sports where our endless resources give the World competition an edge. Football is an exception, so we don’t like the sport and produce somewhat indispensable teams. All our real athletes play other sports!

6. The Nasties

I used to think hockey players were pound-for-pound the most troubled athletes on the planet. Watching Soccer has changed my mind.

Football players are nasty and talented individuals. That makes a dangerous combination. Cleats as weapons, goalposts as battering rams, fists as clubs – get the point? At least give these guys some protection – maybe a helmet or a stick would help. Perhaps the players need an outlet for their pent-up aggression. Their aggression is probably exacerbated by the boredom inherent in standing on a hot field for ninety minutes in front of thirty thousand drunken men, with no women in sight. Yes, that will do.

7. The Theatre

In American sports, when a player goes down it usually means a serious condition. In Soccer, these male drama queens fake death and then miraculously jump and run when foul is called against the opposition. What other sports allow and encourage such theatrics? Does the referee get mad when a player fakes an injury and then scores a goal? Don’t Europeans know the story of the “Boy who cried wolf?” We will hand out yellow cards to any sissies who go down and cry wolf. How do the coaches know when real injuries occur? Is there some kind of secret code (“hold your left ankle to fake, hold your right ankle if you need help”)?

8. Wasted Space

I think the design of Football stadiums and pitches is closely aligned with Football pitches. Think how much American Football could be played overseas without investing in sports infrastructure? Repaint the lines and let’s play ball. And in this age of environmental activism, can’t we boycott countries that waste valuable land on stupid Football pitches?

9. Culture Wars

Soccer or Football? Too much confusion. I wish the Football/Football celebrities would get together and decide once and for all. Here’s the problem – I think Football is the correct term! But considering the attitudes of France and Germany during the Iraq War, I for one refuse to concede the point. It is a matter of national pride. Unfortunately American Soccer has fallen victim to this ugly culture war, but hey, sacrifices must be made. As long as American Football is unharmed, they can have their bloody Football!

10. Americans stink at Football

We Americans simply cannot play Football. We are a nation suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), so what else can we expect? We need action, women, and points. The tedium of football is a permanent blight on an otherwise beautiful sport. So when does football season start?

(C) Copyright 2008 Robert J. Leitner

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