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House Husbands – A Role Reversal
For centuries, we have been part of male gender roles as provider and protector and female as maker and homemaker. But the 21st century has seen the beginning of role reversal within the family. Men choose to stay at home and become housewives. The West, especially Canada, the UK and the USA, have accepted this new concept of stay-at-home husbands. Asian and Indian families are still far from doing so. Muslims believe it is un-Islamic for a man to assume the role of a woman.
Reasons for Change:
• As midlife approaches, many men feel trapped in stressful corporate jobs. They aspire to less demanding occupations and believe that housework and looking after children are easier and leave time for leisure and hobbies.
• There has been an unprecedented increase in the number of women in the workforce. Higher education and professional skills have broken the glass ceiling, so that women can take up jobs that were once the prerogative of men. In many cases, they may be drawing higher wages than their husbands. Sometimes women are the only breadwinners. Feminist ideologies, the availability of contraceptives and the influence of the Media have also contributed to the increase in working women.
• Unemployment and loss of white collar jobs for men.
• The wonders of telecommunications enable men to work from home and thereby ensure a regular pay packet. Working hours and patterns are flexible.
Benefits of being a Full Time Dad:
1. This eliminates the need for home help which is becoming expensive and unreliable. There are many cases of maids starving, silencing or treating children badly. Some time ago, an Indian newspaper reported that a working woman came home at midday to find her child missing and the maid happily watching TV and munching on peanuts. On questioning, the maid said that she pacified the baby and gave it to a beggar woman, on a rent of Rs.100 per day.
Cases of theft of food, money or jewelery have also been reported from time to time.
2. There is no need to leave children in childcare centers during the day.
3. Fathers’ involvement in the parenting process is said to improve children’s physical, emotional and behavioral development. They become more emotionally balanced and develop better coping skills. They grow to be confident and self-assured.
4. Mothers can pursue their careers without feeling guilty that children are not well looked after. Because they are free from stress they are able to give their best to their jobs. When the work is over, they are relaxed enough to spend valuable time with the family and make up for their absence during the day.
5. Husbands become adept at managing the kitchen and discover their hidden cooking talents.
6. Men are likely to spend sparingly and balance the budget efficiently. Sometimes women tend to overspend on things they don’t need or hoard more than they need.
7. Housework does not detract from manliness. Men can still provide leadership in the family.
– Women may be forced to work outside the home against their wishes. This should not be an opportunity for lazy men to stay at home and do nothing.
– Men have fragile egos. Their value is linked to their ability to provide for the financial needs of the family and to be in a position of authority. Vicky Larson says, “If their distinct identity is threatened, they may overcompensate with drink, drugs, risky behaviour, anger or become sexually aggressive. Breadwinner status is an important component of masculinity. Economic dependence is threaten masculinity.”
– Feeling alone, lonely or bored can lead to romantic connections on the Internet. Addiction to pornography cannot be ruled out. Christian Munsch, a postdoctoral research fellow concluded that the more dependent a man is on his wife, the more likely she is to cheat.
– Incendiary behavior with children is a possibility. “An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.”
How to be a successful, happy Housewife:
The decision must be your own. It should be carefully planned and considered. The pros and cons should be considered. There must be an understanding and agreement between husband and wife regarding childcare and household responsibilities. The couple should be able to withstand criticism from family and society.
James Williams says, “Home responsibilities are not degrading or unpleasant, but opportunities for loving service.”
Household chores are not easy. They can be difficult and tiring. Sometimes boring. But it will make men realize that women have adhered to this drill for years, without complaining or receiving any consideration from their husbands. It could bring a greater appreciation of the role of home makers.
However, the rewards of stay-at-home dads outweigh the inconvenience. Being involved in their children’s lives, watching them grow, being available and accessible, brings a great sense of satisfaction and achievement. Full time fathers need to show their love and affection to their children just like mothers do. They must learn to voice their feelings. A hug or a kiss will speak volumes. At the same time there should be no over indulgence.
Men have a tendency to be rigid and authoritative. This would be counterproductive. Boundaries should be defined and communicated lovingly. This gives children a sense of stability and security.
Pushing a toddler into a pram or buying groceries or attending PTA meetings alone can bring sarcastic comments. A confident father will know how to deal with such situations.
When fathers stand in for mothers, it is vital that they take a personal interest in their children’s lives, school activities, friends, interests and hobbies. They should also learn to recognize anger, hurt or frustrations so that emotional support can be provided. Bonding becomes stronger and parenting becomes a joy.
There is no need for fathers to isolate themselves from friends and become the darlings of the household. Whenever an opportunity arises, they can meet friends or hang out, or even invite them over for a cup of tea.
Being a full-time dad is by no means a cakewalk. It requires patience, love, firmness and consistency.
As Oscar Wilde said, “Satisfaction comes only to him who toils and conquers… to the person who accomplishes the task at hand and gets satisfaction from a job well done.”
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