Which Teams Will Be In The World Cup 2022 I Was a Female Drug Testing Chaperone

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I Was a Female Drug Testing Chaperone

I’ve been in toilets all over Auckland with half-naked girls.

No, this is not about sex; this is about drugs. In sports. And thanks to Lance Armstrong, everyone knows about doping in sports and drug testing, but you may not have realized that some drug testing involves urine testing. And I’ve done this for a job.

Now you ask, who would want to do a job that involves watching people pee – isn’t it a bit icky? Well, apart from the obvious answer – people who love ‘water sports’ (boom tish) – it’s usually just sports nuts or people desperate for money. I fall into the latter category.

In 2001 I had moved to Auckland but didn’t have a job yet, so a friend who was already working in drug testing suggested I try working as an escort – the person who hangs out with the athlete and gets them to produce the sample. . I was eager to earn some money and just a little afraid of being closely involved with strangers. Suffice it to say, you need to be very comfortable with the human body and its various functions.

Although I was told it was quite easy, I found the procedures numerous and complex. One missing signature or incorrectly filled out form, and a guilty athlete could successfully appeal. I wasn’t saving lives, but I didn’t want to stuff him. On the other hand, the low pay was not very motivating and the prospect of, for example, a day out in the middle of the back blocks of Auckland watching cross motorcyclists for $30 was not inviting. Again it was cash and an outing.

Here’s how it worked. Once the event was over and your team leader had identified the athlete to test, you introduced yourself to them as a chaperone, read them the rules, offered them a bottle of drink and informed them they had an hour to’ w submit to the testing station. This gave them time to relax, rehydrate and hopefully get themselves ready to give a sample.

After these formalities, the athlete generally ignored you, and you followed them around, trying not to mope or think about wine, until they planned to let you know they were ready to go. Could take hours, then: boredom.

You stood alone on the perimeter of their family and friends as the kid who didn’t get picked for the team, feeling ridiculous with your clipboard and cooler bag full of Gatorade. (Though for once I was slightly encouraged by this kid who got confused and asked me for my autograph.)

An hour or so of wandering around, listening to people talk about the finer points of women’s hockey could be numbing, so by the time you got the athlete into the toilet you weren’t even thinking about the extreme intimacy factor, you just want them to pee. At once!

When you watched an athlete pee, you had to see the urine pass from their body. This was because since the dawn of, well, drug testing, athletes have been finding ways to get around it, and one of the ways is to get a container of someone else’s piss and hide it under your clothes.

That’s why you couldn’t let them out of your sight, and also why they had to take off their underwear and roll up their sleeves when they peed. So many rules and so many situations where you couldn’t possibly follow the rules! For example, in portaloo it was impossible to see someone peeing into a cup when you were jamming against them, nose to nose. See? awkward

Small talk was tricky. I’m social, but in these situations the conversation was generally about how the athlete had performed, how hard it was to pee on command, how it might be easier if I turned the tap on… maybe if we were still talking about peeing…’. By then I was usually the only one ready to pee. Meanwhile they squatted over the bowl and I tried not to LOOK obvious, but I had to look!

Some athletes would remove it completely, and in 2001 before the fashion for Brazil, I saw a lot of pubic hair. Yes, a full Brazilian was quite stunning in 2001 because I remember one girl whose vulva was completely bare. And that was shocking!

However, amongst all the episodes of escorting glamorous but slightly depressed bodybuilders, or hanging out with the NZ Warriors at one of their training sessions, my first job still stands out.

Already nervous about stuffing things up, I was then told it was a Paralympic shooting event, so there were athletes from all over the world with a range of abilities. This was like having sex for the first time and hoping for a basic missionary, but being told that you are expected to do reverse cowgirl with a twist!

I had questions. What to do if the athlete had a catheter and a bag? Can I let them empty the contents into the plastic cup? Or did I have to make them replace the bag and pee again? There seemed to be endless permutations and combinations and opportunities for me to say something offensive to a disabled person.

Thank goodness I avoided that; my Polish wife was in a wheelchair, without legs and no English. At the testing station, her English-speaking teammate told us she was on her period and therefore unable to provide a sample. The possibilities for embarrassment, not to mention complication, went up a few notches. Blood in the pee! Noooooo! (It was a good request, but this did not prevent a drug test.)

Off we went to the disabled toilet, my heart sinking. Not only was this already difficult, but I couldn’t even talk to this woman. My ‘small talk’ would now be useless.

I watched in amazement as she pulled the chair up to the side of the toilet. She removed her trousers, and then we could see her body ending at the top of her thighs. Still in her underwear, she lifted herself over the side of the chair and onto the side of the toilet seat, with her back to me. This was also against the rules as I was supposed to be able to see what she was doing. But enforcing this rule seemed impossible. She removed her underwear and then the wait began.

As she shifted on the toilet seat, soiling herself trying to get the plastic cup out of the wrapping paper, I felt helpless. Despite her lack of English though, I chatted quietly and turned on the basin tap, which made no difference at all. After a very long time, she gave up and we returned to the testing station to wait. But my testing virginity was gone, and I felt a little more in control.

Thankfully, her husband came up and agreed to try again if he could come with us; he made her feel more comfortable and thankfully he spoke a little English. After a few minutes of chatting with her husband about peeing, drug testing, Poland, Auckland, – anything to ignore the half-naked woman sitting on the toilet – we finally had success.

This is how my first week in Auckland started. In a disabled toilet on a shooting range, watching a legless woman pee in a cup, while making small talk with her husband.

Things could only get better.

© Cynthia Smith 2016

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